Earth Year: 2007
Solar Month: Terrarium
Space Day: End of First Month on Unidentified Planet
Location: Rebel Camp
Resume Computer Record of Double Captain Jack “Eddie” Longbow:
Why is it whenever I backhand a lady she ends up demanding sex from me?
This just happened to me again for the zillionth time is why I ask that unanswerable question. The first gal in question is named Pefferkorn, and she’s a real back-handful. The other gal in question— well, you met her in the space journal a while back. Goes by the name of Xelba, Queen of the Hoverdragon. I better start from there…
Back in the giant hall full of naked Amazons who were making out with each other and getting all googly-eyed at me and my crew, Xelba flew in on a hugely enormous Hoverdragon. I was surprised at how good she was at driving it, because she’s a chick and all. She knew me and my crew by name, which doesn’t make any sense because we’re stranded on a planet that definitely isn’t Earth. Earth has boys and girls, not just girls, and DEFINITELY not Hoverdragons!
Xelba let us know exactly what her Draconian plan was for us, the sole men trespassing on her planet. “You are all three going to perish… by making it with our planet’s womenfolk until you expire!” was what she, Xelba (the Queen [the one I’ve been talking about]) said, stentorianly. Now, back on Earth, my Native Indian American tribe doesn’t believe that you can die from a sex overdose, but if you think I really wanted to chance it with a room that big, you’re an idiot—stop reading my journal, idiot. If you don’t think I’d chance buying it like that, you should keep reading because you’re with the program and I usually do some pretty choice action moves.
With all the dames squealing in morbid delight, I barely noticed the Hoverdragon descend right in front of my face. There was the Amazon queen, grabbing one of her boobs and pointing at me, literally. I didn’t know if the dragon was going to eat me or she was. She was getting real close. I had to think fast.
I popped her in the kisser with a patented backhand. The whole place went cold real quick. All the Karate in the world wasn’t going to get me out of this one.
John Connery piped in with his grating New Scottish brogue, “Yuh shinna o’ dunna’ Cap’n!”
I backhanded him too.
“Silence!” Xelba ejaculated.
I didn’t care how much silence she wanted. I had a question. I raised my hand.
“Put your hand down.” Xelba didn’t like that.
“I have a question, dummy.”
“I will grant you one question!” She screeched.
One question. I had to think fast. I backhanded Connery.
“Egh, barely fehlt eht,” he belched out of his horrible foreign mouth.
“How do you know who I am? How do you know who we are?”
“In time…” Xelba smiled her cold, serpentine smile like a real bitch.
“In time?” I thought to myself, then said out loud, “In time? That’s not an answer. You said you’d give me an answer!”
She laughed and then—and I’m completely serious here—she lunged at me and started making out with my mouth. After that everything went black.
* * *
It wasn’t the first time I’d been poisoned that’s for darn sure. But this time was different. I could tell I wasn’t out that long before I came to in bed. I felt a little sore, sure, but that’s to be expected when your arms and legs are tied to the bedposts using boa constrictors! If only my tribal elders had taught me the song of snakes, but it was too late for that. “No way am I getting out of this one,” I almost thought to myself, but didn’t, because that would have been cowardly, and you don’t get to be a Double Captain in the Space Fleet with coward’s brains.
Xelba slithered into the room wearing—dead serious—nothing. She must have heard me struggling.
“Listen Xelba, you can’t do this. I’m saving myself.”
“Saving yourself for whom?”
“For someone who isn’t a total bitch,” I got her good.
“The harder you struggle, the wetter I’ll get.” I didn’t know what she meant.
“What does that even mean?”
“Wet. Down there.” She wasn’t making any sense. I was making her delirious.
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“You’re an idiot, Longbow.”
“You’re an idiot!” I got her good.
Just then an Amazon guard came into the room.
“I don’t need any assistance, Pefferkorn. I’ve got Longbow right where I want him.”
“No you don’t,” I said.
“Yes I do!”
“Nope,” She did. I was stalling.
“My queen, it is urgent,” piped up Pefferkorn, “Kenny Rogers and Leftenant Connery have escaped from the palace!” Thank God someone made it out alive.
“What!” Xelba leaped up. Good thing, too. Felt like those boa constrictors were getting bigger.
Xelba asked Pefferkorn all sorts of questions. Pefferkorn, a cute little number, was getting all flustered. She didn’t seem to have answers, seemed nervous in fact. Xelba was just pushing her out of the way when all of the sudden Pefferkorn opened a vial of acid and threw it in Xelba’s face!
“Come on, we’re going!” Pefferkorn raced over to the bed and began untying the snakes.
“What is going on?” I yelled over Xelba’s screams.
“I’ve got to get you out of here, Longbow!” Untied, I sprang into action. I grabbed Pefferkorn and raced out of the chamber.
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“To the Land of the Boyfriends!” I had no idea what that was.
“I have no idea what that is,” I stopped, “Hey, Pefferkorn.”
I gave her the backhand. She smiled. It felt good.
I’ve always relied on the kindness of Mexicans. I was crouched between the shadowed pews of the local Catholic church which had kindly— though unknowingly—become my shelter when I began translating the above tale. I was interrupted in my work by a charitable family of swarthy Latinos who offered to let me stay in their home. Thank God they do not know the nightmares I carry around in the chambers of my heart, lest they, for fear of succumbing to madness, have stayed their giving spirits. Naturally, I accepted. Little did I know I would be sharing a room with a cadre of younglings and energetic canines. Realizing the importance of showing strength when encountering strangers, I immediately seized the top bunk for myself, leaving the myriad of children to make arrangements accordingly. It has not been easy, for want of silence, as while the adults are nearly somnambulant in their lack of speech, the children run amok as if their very blood burned with corn syrup. Just now I have finished translating the document in the peace of a sort of “bedding-fort” I have made atop the bunked beds. Let us hope the peace of domesticity does not spoil the important work ahead!
Dr. Mildred Kines, Ph.D.